“No, not right now.”

“No, that’s not appropriate.”

“No, we don’t do that here.”

If you’re a caregiver or parent, these words might slip out without a second thought. You mean well. You’re trying to guide, protect, and teach. But think about it: how often are the words "no" followed by an alternative? A reason? A pathway forward? Now how often are you saying "no" more so than you are praising or acknowledging their accomplishments?

Now imagine being told “no” repeatedly - without explanation, without support, without replacement or alternatives, without recognition for all the positives you've accomplished over x amount of time. How might that shape your world? How might it shape your behavior?

Let me tell you a story. One that helps us understand why some people, especially those with mental or intellectual and developmental disabilities, may respond in unexpected, even dangerous ways.

When “No” Was the Only Word a Person Hears. A person can be bright, smart, passionate about certain subjects and activities. That means, the person is extremely motivated by certain things, sometimes those motives aren't exactly clear or aligns with others which may result in conflict of understanding what the person wants. This may create an issue with others, especially with caregivers or parents, potentially resulting in the same answer every time the person wants to engage with those highly motivating activities. 

“No.”

“No, not today.”

“No, it's too far.”

“No, we don't have time.”

You've now become the "no-man". And you might not be trying to be unkind. Because let's be honest, life gets busy, and people's schedules and routines may be set with their own preferred activities. People do their best to support those they love. But to others, it wasn’t just “no.” It was rejection of what made them feel alive. 

This may result in the person asking less for that highly motivating activity. Which may then transform to more challenging or disruptive behaviors that are variables from how to get access to that thing. People are not bad, they are just responding to the presenting environment or circumstances that are provided. 

For example, at first, a child may ask to play in the front yard, pretending to be a train conductor. His parents then told him to not pretend while in the front year. He is told "no" multiple times after this on various situations. To avoid being told to not pretend, he later wanders off to the end of the block to continue to pretend. Then one day, while his parents thought he was watching TV, the child slipped out the back door, crossed two intersections, and sat alone near the railroad tracks to pretend being the conductor there. They found him safe, thankfully, but the question haunted everyone afterward:

“Why would he do something so risky?”

Each “no” without an alternative made the direct route less effective. So the child found his own. Not because he was defiant, but because he was determined and motivated.

This is what we mean when we say: don't be a no-man.

What were they trying to communicate?

Did we give them a safe path forward?

Could we have been a “yes” instead of a “no”?

The example in this article is a call to all of us, not just to intervene when things go wrong, but to create safe positive environments that don’t push individuals into dangerous detours in the first place.

Let’s stop being no-men.

Let’s be partners in possibility to enable their future.